Finding a job is a lot like dating. You’re putting on your best outfits, acting as charming as possible, and trying to hide your deep, irreparable personality flaws.

I hate dating and the job finding process. I especially hate the cover letter bit.

They’re so redundant.

You already know I want the job. Hello? I sent you my resume. Is it me you’re looking for?

No, now you got me out here in these proverbial streets asking me to get down on one knee and beg for your love.

Damn it, baby. I’m broke as hell and I need you in my life, so you know I will.

Dear Sir or Madame,

It’s me, Desperation.

Here I am telling you why I’m writing.

I’ll be repeating the exact same information that was on my resume, in case you didn’t read that for some reason.

In a few paragraphs from now, I’ll repeat again why it’s good for your business, but this time in bullet form!

Here’s why I think you’re great and how I’ve wanted to work for your company my whole life, even though I almost forgot to switch out the name of the last company I just sent this exact same cover letter to.

You’ve probably only glazed at this document, and are likely unimpressed by this generic Microsoft Word template, but thank you for considering me for this position anyways (you have to you said you were an equal opportunity employer).

If you don’t respond to this in a timely manner, I will threaten you with a follow-up. So help me god you do not want to see my follow up, Sir or Madame.

Desperately yours,
Someone Needing a Job In the Worst Way

Do people even read cover letters? According to an article by this job recruiter, and this job recruiter, and this career counselor, IT TURNS OUT MOST PEOPLE WON’T EVEN TAKE A SECOND TO GLANCE AT THEM.

Look I’m not a doctor or a certified psychologist, but if you’re asking for cover letters and not even reading them then you’re a full-blown sociopath.

The Internet has taken the pulse and confirmed that cover letters are dead. It’s time to for us to say our peace and move on.